i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
