easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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