I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
