New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
