I can text with my tongue
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
