you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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