ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
