Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
