He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
