Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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