We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
