Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
