If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize