That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
