I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
