I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
