It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
do nipples grow back?
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