I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
