She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
