Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
