I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
