Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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