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Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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