I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just invented taco cereal.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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