if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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