I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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