Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you had me at cake vodka
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize