My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
