I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
