WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
