you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize