Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
