My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
