Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
