Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you told grandpa to call you daddy
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
