I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
