there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
