your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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