When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
