my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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