hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
