I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
