I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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