No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
