my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
