I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
