I accidentally had phone sex last night
If that was your dad, he is hot
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
