don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
