So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
