I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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