remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
