Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my shit smells like andre
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
