I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
