Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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