This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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