Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
