I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
