Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Damn victory sex feels great
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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