you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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