Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
